Friday, October 18, 2013

Halloween & the Keokuk Jaycees

I'm not overly impressed or nervous around famous people, I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm a pretty charitable person, I love Halloween & it's all because of the Keokuk Jaycees!

When I was a child my father & my uncle Mike were part of a group of men in my hometown called the Keokuk Jaycees. They were a charitable organization made up of men from all walks of life who came together to support those more needy people in our community as well as make the community a little more fun place to live. They were pretty famous for their haunted house, street fair, fireworks display & Christmas party back in the day.

The Keokuk Street Fair & the Jaycees Haunted House were their main fundraising events & the community fireworks show & Christmas party for underprivileged children were their charitable causes. The community was definitely a better place & more fun because of this organization & the men like my father & uncle.

The Street Fair... It was a week long event that was held in the beginning of every summer. They brought in a group with rides & games of chance to fill the midway & booked acts to preform each night on a stage (which they built). 

They would get a cut of the rides & sold beer from a tent beside the stage to raise money to pay for the performers. There was normally one or two pretty big acts each summer & it was kind of a big deal. In the beginning the fair was actually held on Main Street in Keokuk, but it was eventually moved down to the riverfront. 

The riverfront was a perfect location anyway, it was very cool having so much fun & listening to music with the old bridge, the dam & the river as the scenic background.

The Haunted House... It was held every weekend during the month of October at the Old Jaycee Hall. The hall was an old elementary school with full gymnasium, stage, lockerrooms, classrooms & offices. It was 2 stories & made the best damn haunted house you've ever dreamed (or had nightmares) about. The damn building was even scary looking from the outside!

The Jaycees would take the aforementioned stage from the street fair & reassemble it into a maze on the gymnasium floor. The panels were stood upright, attached to oneanother & made into a very tall & long convoluted hallway with twists & turns that was about 100 yards in length. People entered on the bottom floor of the building into the gym. Groups of 10-12 would be "guided" through the maze (which was pitch dark) into various dead ends, spooky rooms, surprise situations (including a guy with a very loud chain-less-chainsaw) & a barrage of audio & visual stimulation.

At the end of the maze the group was guided through the remaining rooms on the bottom floor & then up the stairs to the top floor (all of which were "blood-soaked" & scarier than the damn pitch-dark maze)! Each room on the 2nd floor was more scary than the next. 

The Haunted House ended in a pitch dark room that was quickly lit with black lights to expose a completely fluorescent painted room that had large bugs falling towards the group & quickly filled with about 20 scary guys carrying plastic axes, pitchforks & spears scaring you out the front door of the top floor of the building.

The street fair & haunted house were the two funnest times of the year for me... I remember them so vividly now. I have a couple special & crazy memories of my father, my uncle & other Jaycees I'd like to submit for the record...

The street fair (building the stage)... It took 4-5 days to get ready for the street fair back then. The city would clear the riverfront park & the power companies would set up special power capabilities. The police & fire departments would prepare the area to insure safety (railroad crossing gates, etc.) & even the city/county/state would come & check the rides before the fair's opening day. 

But the biggest preparation was putting together the Jaycee entertainment & event management area. 

They would bring in a construction site office trailor to serve as the Jaycee command post where they'd meet, plan, count & communicate with CB radio to everyone on the grounds (Jaycees walked the entire park as security/special assistance). The night guys also sometimes used the trailer as a place to crash. 

Two flatbeds were then brought in and placed in perfect position so the Jaycees could build the stage (backdrop, platform atop the flatbeds, side access from ground to stage & frontside walkout towards the crowd) around it. By the time they got done you couldn't even see the flatbeds, it was pretty damn impressive. After that they would raise a tent in the back for the Jaycees, their families & others to gather before & after the shows.

8 year old construction guy... One summer I was old enough to go with my father to help with the construction of the stage (something I'd seen my brother do before enviously). My father & uncle were high up in the Jaycees & pretty much in charge when it came to these events so my dad just said "be helpful, don't get hurt & don't get in the way". He & Uncle Mike were very busy & had no time to babysit so I followed his instructions very closely. 

At 8 years old I thought I was pretty much an adult & found a way to be critical to the operation (okay, somewhat helpful). As the other Jaycees were putting together the parts of the stage they would need the fasteners & tools used to secure the sections together. I stood by the 3 or 4 buckets of hardware & the tool boxes & when someone needed something... I would deliver!

Eventually the job became more challenging because I was put in charge (self-proclaimed) of nail delivery for the "finishing" part of the stage. I would have to run under full sections of the stage already built that were about 4' tall & 30' long. Being that I was only about 4' tall at the time & kind of fast, nail delivery was kind of my fortay (as I remember it)!

My father & uncle both said that I'd been helpful that first day on the job. I can still remember being proud hearing them talk about it from the backseat. Those guys were freaking giants from the backseat. I could barely understand what they were talking about, but damn it was cool! 

I pretty much became a main fixture (some would say mascot) down at the fair shortly thereafter (with or without my father & uncle). I was pretty proud of that fact as a kid, it was fun & a good part of my childhood being around the action with a little independence. 

Burn baby, burn... I think the 2nd or 3rd summer I was able to help with the build I got a little out in front of my skis & took my shirt off (being like the big guys) during the stage building. This became known as the dumbest thing I've ever done (childhood years). I learned the lesson of sunscreen importance & how the skin bubbles if burnt bad enough when sunscreen is not applied (white-white-white boy meets the hot sun). The skin on my shoulders literally, figuratively & physically bubbled! I also learned how loud my mother could yell that day & how ultimately afraid of her my father could be when she was mad.

Luckily it was also the time I met Judy Walrath! She was a medicine woman who knew about this very cool plant extract called Aloe*. Judy (who was married to Earl, a Jaycee & my youth wrestling coach) was able to take the sting out of my burn. She cut off a stem of her Aloe plant & gently applied the extract (saav) to my boiling shoulders basically saving me from a trip to the hospital. 

FYI, I'm totally joking about her being a medicine woman, but now that I think about it, she did live in a place called "Indian Hills"!

*Note to self, go back in time & tell parents to create Aloe Vera so our family becomes independently wealthy!

The street fair (family tent)... the tent that was built behind the stage was for Jaycees, their families & the performers in the show. It was a great place to be as a kid (free Pepsi & Mt. Dew). I think I drank about $1,000 worth of free soda each summer in that tent! 

I become a climber... When we (they) finalized raising the tent someone mentioned we (they) needed to hang the lights between the poles that held up the center of the tent. It got quite dark at night inside the tent by the river with no real street or park lights nearby. 

When it came time to run the lights we didn't have a ladder around so my Uncle boosted me on his shoulders & I hooked them as high as I could. Eventually the day darkened & someone determined the lights needed to be raised a couple more feet higher. Still no ladder readily available, so my old man told me to climb up the pole & move them up.

Call it an overobundance of sugared soda or shear ignorance, but I climbed up that pole like a damn spider-monkey. I pushed the lights all the way to the top & then (tempting fate) did the same on the other pole holding up the other end of the tent. God, my mother would've killed my father & I if she'd known about it. 

By midweek the other Jaycees would bet me free-ride tickets if I was able to climb to the top in a certain amount of time. I'm not saying I was fast, but I pretty much rode the rides whenever I wanted with those free tickets!

Famous people... It was in that tent I met Jim Ed Brown & Helen Cornelius, two big country music stars at the time. I didn't know who the hell they were, I was 10. Jim Ed Brown was a goddamn giant, he stood about 8 foot tall & had hands as big as skillets (to me anyway). Helen Cornelius let me sit on her lap even though she was wearing her sequin gown (she was beautiful by the way). I always wondered why people lined up to take pictures with the lady who sat me on her lap... What was the big deal? 

I even met & got to spend time with Chubby Checker. His son Shan Egan travelled with him that summer, he was my age, we became fast friends during the 2 days they were in town & I damn-near finished the tour with he & the band (the son was very lonely being the only kid on the road). My dad was minutes from saying I could go with them, but he was reminded he'd have to explain it to my mother & decided against it (wise move pops)!

I remember being in a store on Main Street at the time & the owner made a racial slur about Chubby while Shan was with my father & I picking up something on the way to lunch (worst memory of my childhood). My father immediately told the man to shut his mouth (fists tightening), put what we were going to buy down on his counter, left it there & walked out (we never shopped in that store ever again). I'd never been so embarrassed in my life, I felt bad for Shan & proud of my father. That was a pretty good & bad memory, but a memory that shaped me nonetheless. 

FYI Shan is a pretty famous Funk Master now, I think I had a lot to do with that... Ha!

The Haunted House... My father & uncle ran the maze at the beginning of the Haunted House which included managing all of the audio & visual effects & timing everything for ultimate scare factor. I remember on the weekends I used to sit in the pitch dark (flashlight downward only) in the electronics management area with my father & uncle. 

Every once in awhile they'd let me signal the front desk to send another group through the maze (solid flashlight beem on a spot on the ceiling). Eventually they let me do a little bit of the audio & visual effects & even some of the scaring. It was pretty neat how they slowly gave me responsibility for things that I held very important. I cherish the things I learned from them, the haunted house sounds, lights, darkness, costumes, props & timing were pretty ahead of their time back then. I love scaring the pants off the young adult kids that hit our house trick or treating, they always get a little more than they expected.

The fireworks... I wasn't let anywhere near them during this event, but I sat on a tailgate with the rest of Keokuk & watched the sky light up with their hard work. Actually, I might've been a little prouder than most kids that night though, because I knew who was behind the scenes making it happen. The show was always longer & more spectacular than the year before it. 

The Christmas party... My father played Santa & gave out the gifts to the kids. I was able to help out for that event a little. It was pretty cool to know who Santa really was & to think that my father was one of "Santa's helpers". The charitable spirit was pretty amazing to see in practice. Of all the events the Jaycees had, this was their favorite. No fireworks, no famous people, no rides or scaring people, just a bunch of men giving out gifts & serving dinner to underprivileged children. It's hard for me to describe those days, all I can say is those men did an amazing thing with smiles on their faces & all went home to hug their families tight at the end of the day.

My father & my uncle taught me so much by their examples. I'm so thankful they brought me along to their events. So much of who I am as a man was formed back during those times. 

They were both eventually awarded JCI Senator status by the International Jaycee organization for their leadership, community involvement, civic pride & improvement of the local chapter. They had a pin ceremony, got a plaque, their picture in the paper & everything.

Even though my father died 5 years ago & my mom has moved from their home to a new home that plaque still hangs proudly on her wall.

I'm sad the events & organizations like the Jaycees aren't available to the community now, but happy for the memories I have & the friends my father garnered through the organization. I still see some of them back home every once in awhile. They too were giants to me & always will be in my heart & mind.

Thanks to my father, my uncle Mike & the Keokuk Jaycees most of all for my charitable nature. Whenever I give, donate or volunteer it is in your memory, by your example & in your stead...

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

My hometown & pending reunion

Lately in preparation for my 25th class reunion my thoughts have returned to my youth growing up in my hometown. I feel so lucky to have the life I have now, but so much of why I'm here now was set in motion all those years ago.

Below I'll do my best to explain my hometown, thank some people who influenced my life & make a plea for my classmates to attend our 25th reunion.

My hometown...
So for anyone who doesn't know, I'm from a very small town in southeastern Iowa named Keokuk. It's edges are created by the Des Moines & Mississippi Rivers. It's home to Lock & Dam 19 & the reigning Miss Iowa Nicole Kelly (we're pretty damn proud of that last part, she's an amazing girl)!

Basically... it's a river town with several industrial businesses that leverage Keokuk's location amongst areas of highly producing corn & soybean fields. It's amazing shipping access trifecta of railway, barge & highway systems make it very easy to get materials in & product out. We border Illinois & Missouri simultaneously & have quick access to Chicago, St. Louis & Minneapolis/St. Paul.

When you look at the state of Iowa's shape, we are the Florida of Iowa (as far southeast as possible). There even used to be a t-shirt in Iowa with the shape of the state on the front with a star in the southeast corner. On the back it said, "Keokuk isn't the end of the world, but you can see it from there!"... 

Not-so basically... it's the place that created me. It made me the man, friend, father & husband I am today. It's also the town that created most of my closest friends & to some extent made them who they are today. It's where I am truly myself, it's where almost everyone knows my name & I know there's in return. It's the only place I'll ever call home, it's where they will lay me to rest & next to being in the company of my children it's my favorite place on earth. 

I may live in the suburbs of Chicago, but Keokuk is my home.

My influences...
People wonder sometimes why I remain so tied to the place of my birth. Why 20+ years after I left I spend so much time returning there, why I have tried to buy businesses there, why I've volunteered to coach youth wrestlers there, why every other friend I have on Facebook is from Keokuk & why I've gone to great lengths to make sure my mother remains there among the people she loves so dear?

Frankly put, the answer is... I owe the people of that town. They were the ones who supported me, cheered me & treated me as their own all those years of my youth. They loved me when I wasn't anyone, when I didn't even know who I was...

Although my parents are Judy & Carl... I am at my core, a son of Keokuk!

There are people from my hometown that along with my parents, grandparents, uncles & aunts raised me into the man I am.

People like Bill Nash, Tom King, Wes Pohorsky, Brent Merydith, Earl Walrath, Jim Vandenberg, Jim Schnieder, Guy Rose & Jim Kersten (just to name a few).

Most of these men were my coaches at some point, but it wasn't the wrestling, football or track that I learned most from... It was what they represented to me & their example that has made the biggest impact. They never did the minimum, they were tirelessly giving of themselves, they never coached for the money, they did it to make the lives of children in Keokuk more inspired. Even greater than this is the fact that they did it with little to no fanfare because to them it's what was just... well... Expected. 

These men were selfless, they took time from their own families, they worked hours without being paid (or paid very little), they even took money out of their own pockets to support the sport & kids they coached. They weren't just coaches in a small town either. To me they were motivators, advisors, therapists, defenders, father-figures & my idols. 

I've looked back on their lessons, advice & examples several times over the years. And now that I'm a father, let me tell you, I refer back to them more than ever.

These men together with the teachers, the boosters, my friend's parents & my own mother & father are the reason I love where I came from... And why I will always support youth athletics in Keokuk (it changed my life). I will be forever in their debt, I'm thankful they touched my life & I will try to live my life paying it forward on their behalf.

So that's my hometown & my role-models... On to my friends!

My friends...
As I plan to return for my 25th reunion at the end of this month I find myself looking back on a few long-lost friends I haven't seen in awhile. I have a couple memories from our time together that I hold very close to my heart, they were times that defined me & they are etched into my memory. They were friends to me when I was just a kid & I hope they still call me friend today.

I have this friend, Dwayne Dietrich, we were on the middle school wrestling team together, he was built like a brick-shit-house & he was by far the strongest guy in our class. He was a few months older than I was & able to drive to school on a school-only permit (rural community, small busing budget, etc.). Which meant that he could drive as long as it was to or from school or a school-related event.

During wrestling season I was walking to school in the snow one morning, he was on his way to the same early practice so he picked me up along the way. After that he would divert from his approved route to pick me up & drive us to practice every morning. 

Could you imagine a 14-15 year old kid sticking his neck out (risking driving privileges) so his buddy didn't have to freeze?

He would pull up in this vintage ford pickup truck... I remembered it had great pipes, cool tires & it shifted on the column (something you didn't see much in the 80's). Damn that truck was cool, I think he still has it!

Most mornings it was still dark around 6 am when he'd pick me up & it was almost always snowing... Two teenage boys driving on icy small town Iowa streets in conditions our elders even had a hard time getting around in. Half the time the damn snowplows were just getting out on the streets when we drove to practice.

I remember every once in awhile he'd throw it down a gear, slam the steering wheel one direction & do a donut. It scared the crap out of me, but no way would I admit it! He did tell the team, "I almost made Beaird shit his pants on the way to practice this morning!"...

It was early, it was cold & it really-really sucked, but in my mind it was a kid going out of his way for another... And to me it meant a lot... Thanks Dwayne!

I have this friend, Shon Phillips, he & I were on the high school wrestling team together. We were both young & had to cut weight. I remember during lunch (when everyone else in school ate) we would go downstairs to the wrestling room & ride bikes in our plastics. 

Plastics were these rubbery suits that make your body sweat just by wearing them. I think they've since been outlawed or something like that but back in the day it was standard operating procedure.

It got so bad I eventually started wearing plastics under my clothes to the afternoon classes. For the longest time I felt embarrassed (I was very self conscious as a kid) walking into class wearing plastics, but my friend Shon started doing it too. 

When he started doing it I forgot about my embarrassment & started to feel proud to do it. I eventually stopped worrying what others thought of me because I had friends like Shon. By the time I was done I wore them like a badge of courage... In fact others on the team started doing it too... It wasn't healthy, but misery likes company.

I also remember being miserable cutting weight & he used to say "Come on KB, lets do a couple more laps/up-downs/sprints" with a big damn smile on his face that willed me to get up & go again. He was one of the only people who called me "KB" & I'll remember that forever. Thanks for the motivation SP!

I have this friend, Jimmy Dickens, he & I were on the high school football team together. That son of a bitch hit harder than any other person on the team. He & I were two of the smallest players on the team, but he hit like a Mack truck... When we did tackle drills all I saw was stars!

I remember Pat Leggett, Brad Hoppe & I were complete masochists back then & would fight for the place in line to go against Jimmy during tackle drills... We were young & very dumb!

Jimmy hit with reckless abandon, he had no fear & I swear he's responsible for more brain damage in my head than wrestling & drinking ever did!

After high school Jim enlisted in the armed forces & became a soldier. He came home, got married & started a family. I hope I get a chance to tell him again how proud I am of him. Thanks Jimmy.

Those are just 3 people I'm looking forward to seeing at my reunion. I bet I have a story like those for almost every classmate. 

Yet another reason I'm so grateful to have grown up in Keokuk.

My plea...
I've recently become aware of a couple people that might not come to our reunion because they are worried about being judged. It's to them that I plea... Please Come! 

There is no judging in this crew anymore. The judges have been let go & that action has been outlawed!

All that attend reunions at our age understand that Time, Life & especially Children have made us all equal. There is no person better than the other, we are just a bunch of moms, dads, brothers & sisters who want nothing more than to see old friends, tell a few stories & be in each others company again.

If its about not being rich or famous (like we all thought we'd be), please put that concern out of your mind...

No person is ever rich enough to go without a boss, we all "work" for someone or something! Some of us work for an employer or a company, some of us work for a single customer or a group, but we all work! Even Bill Gates has to answer to his wife... And I'm pretty positive everyone works for either their children (futures) or the bank (mortgage) or the government (taxes) at some level. Some of us "lucky ones" get to work for all three of the aforementioned groups at the same time (did that sound sarcastic)!

We have all lived life now, we've won & lost, tried & failed, been a surprise & disappointment to others, had people love us, hate us, loved others, hated others, experienced the gift of birth & felt the pain of losing someone close to us. We've all felt happiness, joy, contentment, pain, remorse & regret throughout our lives.

The point is, there is no rich or successful in the eyes of a reunion... We lived through 25 years since high school & 40+ years of life, that is reason enough to celebrate together!

And as for fame... Everyone at this reunion will be famous, especially to me! In fact, if you think about it, other than to your family, I bet you won't find any other group of people who think you are more famous than the people at our class reunion! Why do you think we take so many damn pictures?

Last & final plea (I wax poetic)... 
As Emma Lazarus wrote (and it says on America's Statue of Liberty)... 

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, your diaper changing, garbage taking out, mortgage & tax payers... Send these, the class of 88'ers, tempest-tossed, to me: I lift my lamp & I'll buy them a drink, tell them a story of Keokuk in the 80's & we will celebrate together!"

(I can't believe I just invoked patriotism to get people to come to our reunion... I'm relentless! Oh & you might notice I paraphrased a touch on that previous quote... Ha!)

If you need just one last reason to come to the reunion, please think about the 3 long lost friends of mine that I mentioned... 

Remember, you may be a person who someone thinks of & needs to thank... Or you may see a person you need to hug & say thank you to... Now is our chance!

All my best, see you at the reunion!

Sincerely, 

Kyle
Keokuk Son

PS- For those who do choose to judge others, do us all a favor & stay the fuck home!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Monday on the Expressway

So I'm coming to the end of the Elgin-O'Hare expressway doing about 65 & I see a stranded car in the inner most lane. As I pass them I notice it's a very old woman & she has an even older lady in the back seat. I immediately hit the brakes, pull over to the shoulder, hit the hazards & back up the shoulder (like an idiot to help them). 

I do my best to sprint across 3 lanes of pissed-off / swerving / honking drivers (all going about 50 mph inches from me). I arrive at her car & tell her to put it in neutral & I'll push her to the side of the road where it will be safer... 

She says, "There's nothing wrong with my car, I'm just lost"! 

Apparently she & her passenger were arguing about her being lost & not wanting to get on the 290 expressway so she'd slowed down, came to a stop, put it in park & turned off the engine (right in the middle of 3 lanes of 55 mph traffic)!

I plead with her to get into the backseat with the passenger so I can drive them over to the shoulder & out of the ever pressing traffic issue they are creating... She immediately doesn't trust me, she thinks I'm a car-jacker! 

Yes, a car-jacker roaming the highways of the northwest Chicago suburbs at 10:30 in the morning looking for lost grandmas so he can steal their 1994 champaign-colored Toyota Camry (Kelley Blue Book $500)! 

I think to myself I definitely look like a car-jacker dressed in Lululemon Yoga shorts, flip-flops & an Iowa shirt driving a car that costs 9-10 times that of theirs... (I digress)

So, I begin to negotiate, to sell, to pray, I eventually swear on my children's lives that I am not in-fact a car-jacker...  All the while cars are zooming 5 feet from us, slamming on their brakes behind her car & honking repeatedly (so helpful)... Finally I garner her approval, she gets into the backseat & I pull them to the side of the road safely. FYI, pulling across 3 lanes of expressway traffic isn't as sexy as it sounds.

After a few minutes of calming them down I ask Thelma & Louise (90-100 years old, if a day) where they were going? "Home" the driver says... 

"What's the address" I ask...?

Pause for the silence... 

Another pause for concerning look... 

A not-so silent discussion ensues between the 2 in the backseat as if they are whispering, but a man 100 ft from us could clearly hear them...

Another minute passes...

And I'm here to tell you, even after all we'd been through, me risking life to get there & drive them back, for the life of me, the driver would not tell me her address... 

Why you may wonder? You guessed it... Stalker!

Although she knew I wasn't a daytime-grandma-pos-car-jacker, I could still be a perverted sex craved elderly women stalker! 

After another 5-minutes of "quiet" discussion in the backseat she compromises & agrees to tell me an intersection nearby where she lives... She says to me, it is in "Arlington Heights on Arlington Heights Road"... Bing, intersection, I can do that... It's vague, but not to shabby for a recently accused car-jacking sex perverted old-lady stalker! I head to my truck to get my iPhone...

Side-note #1: The entire time I'm inside the car with the two women the elderly passenger keeps saying "she's not allowed to drive on the expressway" & the driver keeps telling her to "hush up"! Like it was a big damn secret? I'm right in the front seat, it's not like you're whispering ladies & you're both like 100 years old... Ha!

Side-note #2: Come to find out one lady had taken the other to a doctors appointment & they had gotten lost on the way home... When the passenger said the driver couldn't go on the expressway (for like the 100th time I'm guessing) the driver just parked it! 

Side-note #3: The reason the driver was lost... They'd driven a block too far south & the road they were on was not on the map she had been using! Yes, the yellowing map didn't have the Elgin-O'Hare Expressway on it. Coincidentally, the map may have been from 1975...

Back to the story... 

I get my phone & use google maps to locate where we are & a general vicinity to where they're headed (aka- the intersection). I then painstakingly explain to them they need to follow the road we're on just a mile east & turn left on Arlington Heights Road & that will take them North directly into Arlington Heights!

The driver says "I won't be able to make it" & the passenger repeats the aforementioned "not allowed on the Expressway" comment. Luckily I think the driver didn't hear her that time & no more "whispering" breaks out in the backseat.

Since she's not sure she can go it alone I volunteer to pull up & drive in front of them for the mile. I instruct her that when I stick my arm out the window & point left they should get in the left lane & turn left onto Arlington Heights Road.

"I'm not sure, maybe" she says...

Just as I'm about to drive them to the "intersection" & call a cab back to my car there's a rap on the window (which scared the crap out of me... Hey, cars are whipping by us the entire time we're on the side of the road.)...

It's the Police... Yeah! 

I roll down the window & the officer asks me to step out of the car... So... I get out of the car!

Here's how it went:

Officer: What's going on here? (stern tone, concerned look)

Me: These two ladies are lost... (I get the feeling I'm in trouble here)

Officer: Who's car is this? (Looks at me like I'm from Mars, sizing me up)

Me: The 2 ladies in the back seat (Note to self, remember to get the names of people you're trying to help while also not getting run over... You don't want to look like a car-jacker... Duh Kyle!)

Officer: Why are you sitting in the front seat of their car? (untrusting tone, defensive body positioning, visually checking me for weapons)

Me: When I pulled up they were just parked in the middle of the highway & I had to drive them over here out of traffic... (I'm gonna get arrested for car-jacking 2 old ladies, if I don't get shot first)

Officer: Why did they stop in the middle of the road? (Checking my facts a little deeper, mentally locating his tazzer & gun... Didn't the guy see the yoga shorts & flip-flops? Iowa shirt? Nothing? I'm screwed!)

Me: She said she was lost Sir...  (Pretty sure I'm gonna get tazzed & shot for car-jacking 2 old ladies, contemplating running even though I'm 100% innocent)

I slowly hand him the map & even more slowly point to the bottom of the map & explain they went too far south for their map & when they got lost, they began to argue & the driver just stopped. (even though every word was true I found myself hoping he would "buy it" & not send me to old-lady-car-jacking-pervert prison)

The Officer steps back, smiles, relaxes his posture, looks at the map & says... 

"Are you shitting me, she just stopped in the middle of the Expressway?" 

Me: No officer, I'm serious, she even turned off the engine! (I'm no longer under suspicion, unclench butt-cheeks, return to normal breathing)

Officer: I got this, thanks for your help!

The officer takes the map, goes to the front of the car & radios in to run the plates & tags (4 years of Chips, 8 years of Law & Order, I know some things)... 

As I walk away the driver (still in the backseat) rolls down the window slowly & looks at me with a very concerned look on her face... Me wanting to calm her I stop, lean in & reassure her the officer is going to help her get home safely & theres nothing to fear (I didn't want her to be scared)... 

And what does the driver for which I've just risked life & limb to keep from getting into an accident say to me the Good Samaritan? 

I ask you again... What do you think this kind little 85-pound-125-year-old-fragile-see-through-skin-having-must-have-dated-Abraham-Lincoln-when-he-was-Freshman-and-she-was-a-Senior-Grandmother-from-the-Norman-Rockwell-painting say to me after my brave & courageous good deeds had kept her & her friend out of harms way?

"Where's he going with my fucking map?"